Student who is still sober enough to dial phone: “Hey Herm, let’s see how long it takes stupid American voters to realize that you’re saying one thing and then ten seconds later saying exactly the opposite. I’ll bet you a keg it will be months!”

Cain: “Hahahahahaha! You’re on. I say no more than two days. I guarantee I’ll have them rolling on the floor after my first debate. Hey, how many beers have you guys had?”

“Nine!”

“Nine!”

“Nine!”

Dad died several years ago at age 94. I must admit to being envious when my pals on the school bus would talk about their dads’ military service. Some had been officers. Some had been gravely wounded and lived to tell about it. All had traveled to cool-sounding places that we could read about in our history books. My father had barely been out of Missouri. My favorite TV show was Combat, but when I saw the Americans gritting their teeth and rooting out nests of sub-human Germans, I knew that my dad hadn’t helped.

Dad was a farmer when World War II came, and being an only son, I suppose the U.S. government decided he was worth more in the wheat field than on the battlefield. How boring and un-swashbuckling, I used to think. Even in later years when I would take my uncle out to dinner on Veterans Day and schools everywhere would invite veterans to parade through loud, flag-waving assemblies, it seemed a shame that Dad was left out.

Now I know better. Instead of traveling to far-away places to kill people he had no quarrel with and break things that somebody would have to toil to rebuild, my humble father was quietly putting in 16-hour days six and a half days a week tending his fields and cattle. In so doing he made life better for his family, his neighbors and himself, not to mention the untold thousands who were nourished by the work of his hands.

That’s a dad I can be proud of.

The system generates an alert when the driver strays outside a specified geographical area or when speed or acceleration-rate thresholds are exceeded. The big selling point seems to be the “distraction management software,” which locks the user’s smartphone when the vehicle is running.

When it’s too much trouble to nag them in person, safe driving in a box!

Rumor has it that they’re coming out with a low-budget version that will simply shock the hell out of the kid every time he/she touches the car, thereby discouraging its use.

I say it’s all baloney. This debt belongs to the U.S. government, not to you and me. We are not the government. Our share is zero.

Instead of dividing the national debt by 310 million, let’s divide it by 545. That’s the number of creeps in D.C. who determine what is spent (435 in the House, 100 in the Senate, one in the White House and nine on the Supreme Court).

Let’s see, if my math is correct – I hope it is; my calculator doesn’t have enough zeroes for this – that comes to roughly $26 billion each. Pay up, deadbeats!

The ending says it all: The warmonger laughs it up about his “tough duty” in Palm Beach.

Among the highlights in this coward’s Wikipedia biography: He joined the Maryland National Guard to avoid going to Vietnam, saying later, “I confess I had no desire to die in a Southeast Asian rice paddy. I considered the war in Vietnam already lost.”

So, Mr. Bolton, if you’re so convinced the war in Afghanistan is not lost, how about you pick up a rifle and put your fat ass on the line for a change?

So why not lock people up for other activities that are ungodly but don’t harm others, like cursing, swearing and otherwise taking the name of the Lord in vain? While you can certainly infer from the Ten Commandments that getting stoned or high is ungodly, there is no doubt whatsoever that misusing God’s name is against his wishes: It’s spelled out with unquestionable clarity in the Second Commandment (I’m a Lutheran; your number may vary).

So let’s fix this. The police should start wiretapping and bugging the home of any suspected potty-mouth, then break down the door, shoot the family dog and arrest the sinner. That’ll teach him.

If you don’t care about the violators, at least have some compassion for the children. Kids who grow up in cursing households will surely take up the habit themselves. Oh, some permissive parents might argue that an occasional OMG is harmless, but studies have shown that it leads to the harder stuff. Before you know it they’ll graduate to swearing. From there it’s just a matter of time before they’re damning every Tom, Dick and Harry who crosses them.

Some say we can’t afford this. Have they no decency? I say we can’t afford not to. And with 98 percent of the population in prison, look at the cool jobs that will be available for the rest of us, by golly!

This is your brain. This is your brain cussing Windows 7. Any questions?

WHITE HOUSE CHANGE…!!! PLEASE DO NOT DELETE….JUST READ AND LOOK… This one goes to everyone on my list. He isn’t even trying to fool anyone! For a long time, we have noticed that the decor at the White House has changed since BHO moved in. The Oval Office is now stripped of the traditional red, white, and blue, and replaced with middle eastern wallpaper, drapes, and decor. The hallway that he walks out of to talk to the press now has middle eastern chairs, drapes, etc. And the thing that has bothered me the most is the bright yellow drape behind him every time he speaks from the white house. It has Arabic symbols on it and has been there from the beginning. Today I received this and it clearly shows what I have been noticing.

That bright yellow curtain is highly visible, but as you scroll down, you will see what is predominantly absent. Also, as you look at the pictures of other presidents speaking from the same spot, look at the traditional ‘American’ background and decor as opposed to the new decor. Trust me when I say that this is intentional. It should alarm every American. What is missing at Barack Hussein Obama’s press conference? No it is not the teleprompters. That’s right…no American flags!!! And I don’t believe it was just an accident! It is intentional. So I ask, why is it intentional? He told you he would change America , didn’t he? This man, whoever he really is, is not an American. He and his ilk want to end the American Free Enterprise System. Vote in November like your way of life depends on it! Because it does!!!!!

(I have omitted pictures in the original email of presidents Bush I & II, Reagan and Clinton, all with plenty of American flags behind them.)

Of course I dislike Obama as much as anybody, but this picture is as phony as the sincerity at a Harry Reid press conference. Neither Obama nor any of his statist partners in crime would think of walking up to a podium until the obligatory forest of flags is in place. I recently counted 14 behind Pelosi as she blabbered about the latest plans for our salvation being handed down by the central planners in D.C.

This is sickening, because these creeps represent the opposite of what the flag ought to stand for. Personally I don’t display it anymore, because it has come to symbolize not liberty, America or the American people, but the bloated American welfare/warfare state, which Obama and all presidents in my lifetime have been proud to promote.

I would put an exclamation point behind that, but the email writer has already used up my quota.